𝘉𝘦𝘵𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘵, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘥, 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵. - 𝘒𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘭 𝘎𝘪𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘯
Sometimes communication with a partner or friend can be the hardest in the world.
How often do you let your words be guided by pain or fear?
Regret what you said from a place of anger or hurt after?
Or not express out of fear how another might feel, not feel or react?
I have been in places where communication becomes a minefield.
I have at times trapped myself in caretaking another too much. Choosing words too carefully to not make a situation worse or upset someone.
I have held back expressing affection or gratitude, because I felt insecure or the fear of rejection.
I have also said “I am fine” when I am not to not be a burden many times.
Fear contracts the body and collapses communication.
It is so important to not let fear dictate what we say. Sometimes that means starting with saying “I am afraid”.
Words are the bridge to another’s mind. Saying what is on my mind gives another the chance to position themselves in relationship to what I share. The more closely I can listen to what is going on inside of me and express it, the bigger the chance for understanding.
And when I feel contraction or hurt in myself, defensiveness or even the desire to say something mean, it can be wisest to wait, recalibrate until I return to communicating the hurt from a place of vulnerability and not attack.
You might argue that love can never be lost over what we say or don’t say, if it is genuine.
Maybe love might not be lost, but we lose sight of it at times. Being right, defending and other ego based behaviours take over. This can damage the connection we have with a loved one.
Especially if it happens repeatedly we may lose trust or feel it isn’t safe to share ourselves, even if we love them. Leading to unhealthy dynamics and hurt spirals that are hard to quit.
Self-regulation tools help to create a base for kind communication. And so does letting words pass through three gates of kindness, truth and relevance too. This means simply asking yourself “is what I’m about to say kind, is it true and is it relevant?”.
There is a lot more that can be said and learned. I’m curious to hear your reflections!